Learn how to deal with anger and find serenity: 7 practical strategies and 3 key questions based on cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy.
“Emotions communicate to us that we have a problem that requires our attention and response.” – Charles Darwin, The Origin of Species, 1872.
When you feel that you have been harmed by a person or a situation, managing anger may seem impossible.
If you do not know how to deal with anger, you are not alone. You probably wish you were like those people who always seem to be able to find inner peace. You may even wonder if there is something wrong with you or if you will ever be able to figure out how to handle anger, as this emotion seems to be totally out of your control.
To complicate matters, others often do not understand your anger. Others simply expect you not to get angry, or at least not to show your anger.
But there is good news: whether you cannot control your anger or you continually suppress it, there are concrete actions to manage it. In this article, we will share 7 practical strategies and 3 key questions based on cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) that will show you how to manage anger. If you want to get rid of anger and find inner peace, you are in the right place.
- How to Deal with Anger: 7 Practical Strategies
- 1. How to deal with anger by listening to your emotions
- 2. How to deal with anger with warning signs
- 3. How to deal with anger with breathing exercises
- 4. How to deal with anger with physical distance
- 5. How to deal with anger with physical activity
- 6. How to deal with anger with assertive communication
- 7. How to deal with anger with problem solving
- Deal with anger with 3 key questions
- Conclusion: how to manage anger and find inner peace
How to Deal with Anger: 7 Practical Strategies
1. How to deal with anger by listening to your emotions
Anger is an emotion we all feel. It is part of the normal spectrum of human emotions. When you feel anger, remember that nobody gets angry for no reason. This means that if you feel anger there is a reason behind it. Ask yourself: when did I start feeling anger? What happened?
Identify what made you feel threatened, scared or hurt. Ask yourself: What hurt me? Why does this hurt me? What about this situation gives me a feeling of helplessness?
Listening to your anger is the first step to managing it. Anger is sending you a message, don’t repress it! It is telling you: there is a situation that seems unmanageable to you. There is a problem to be solved and a specific action to be taken to regain inner peace.
2. How to deal with anger with warning signs
Anger is often triggered in a few moments and takes you by surprise. In an instant, you may go from a state of calm to having angry outbursts.
Actually, there are premonitory signs of anger. Identifying them in advance allows you to manage anger before it becomes uncontrollable.
Think about the physical and mental signs that precede your anger. Perhaps you begin to feel a sense of impatience. Perhaps your heartbeat quickens, or you feel a twinge in your stomach. Pay attention to these changes. Recognising them allows you to act immediately and avoid impulsive reactions that would make the situation worse.
3. How to deal with anger with breathing exercises
The deep breathing technique is a simple but effective strategy for managing anger and finding inner peace. It may sound trivial, but it works.
As soon as you recognise the alarm bells from the previous point, you know it is time to practise breathing exercises. Try counting your breaths to five. Alternatively, take three deep breaths. You can also mentally repeat a mantra to yourself, such as ‘I am in full control of the situation’, ‘everything is fine’, ‘I am keeping calm’. This does not mean repressing anger, but recognising it and taking control of it instead of letting yourself be unconsciously dominated by it.
Try practising meditation. This helps you to become an observer of your thoughts and emotions, and not to react impulsively but deliberately. Meditation will make it easier for you to stop and breathe deeply to interrupt an outburst of anger. If you want to learn how to meditate, read our article “Morning Meditation: 10 Techniques to Change Your Life in 15 Minutes“.
4. How to deal with anger with physical distance
When you feel anger, the temptation to fight or stay in harmful situations can be strong. But this only fuels the fire. In those moments, physically distancing yourself may be the best move.
As soon as tension rises, take a break. If a conversation gets heated, go to another room. Get out. It is perfectly acceptable to ask your interlocutor for a time out: ‘I need a minute to calm down, let’s resume the discussion later’. If you can, take a walk. A break can give your brain and body time to calm down.
Realise that with this technique you are not avoiding the problem, but working on managing the anger. You cannot have a productive conversation or resolve a conflict when you are agitated. You can return to the discussion or deal with the problem when you feel calmer. Sometimes it is helpful to set a specific time and place to discuss again.
5. How to deal with anger with physical activity
If you are here because anger seems to overwhelm you even hours or days after a conflict, physical activity could be the answer. Studies show that exercise releases endorphins, mood-lifting and stress-reducing chemicals.
Moving transforms the negative energy of anger into positive physical activity. You release tension and reduce aggressivity. Not only that, if you think you are a person who never gets angry, think again: chances are you are actually suppressing your anger. Physical activity can help you connect with repressed emotions and vent them externally.
The next time anger starts to make its way in, take some time to go to the gym, run or play sports. If that is not your thing, even a brisk walk will suffice. You will see that after moving you will have much more clarity about the problem that was generating your anger.
6. How to deal with anger with assertive communication
Suppressing anger towards another person may seem not only impossible, but also unfair. The other person treats you unfairly and the problem is you getting angry?
To get out of this rut, express your needs clearly and respectfully. You should not blame the other person, but communicate assertively. Explain precisely what you find unfair about the situation and how you would prefer the other person to behave.
To communicate assertively, follow these practical steps. Start by asking yourself: “What is my need that the other person is not fulfilling?”. Then, communicate your need by following this formula: “When you do [ACTION], I feel [FEELING] and would like [REQUEST]”. For example: “When you interrupt me, I don’t feel heard and I would like you to let me finish speaking”. You will see how assertively communicating your needs will help you dispel anger. For more on this topic, read our article titled “How to Negotiate in Work and Life: 5 Proven Tips“.
7. How to deal with anger with problem solving
Anger is trying to indicate to you that there is a situation in which you feel powerless. But most situations that seem unmanageable are actually not.
Listen to your anger and focus your energy on finding solutions to change the situation. Imagine you are a chess player: do problem solving. Which strategies are effective in changing the situation? Which ones are not?
You always have power over your reality. Identify the moves that could solve the problem or get you out of a difficult situation. Revisit your beliefs: are you really chained to your job? Is it really impossible to end things with that toxic person? Who says you cannot escape that event that so distresses you? Face the challenge intelligently and with the knowledge that you have the power to shape your reality.
Deal with anger with 3 key questions
Carl Gustav Jung wrote: “Everything that irritates us in others can lead us to know ourselves.”
Whenever you feel anger, learn to use this feeling as a wake-up call to better understand your needs. Anger is communicating to you that there is a situation that generates a sense of helplessness. To find inner peace, listen carefully to your anger by asking yourself three key questions:
- “What is it about this situation that gives me a sense of powerlessness?” Perhaps I am convinced that I cannot face my colleague. Maybe I think that my needs will not be heard. Maybe I am afraid that if I close with one person, I will be alone. Identify the beliefs underlying your feeling of powerlessness and then ask yourself whether the situation is really out of your control. When someone makes us angry, we always want them to change. But what you have power over is yourself. What you can change is how you look at the situation.
- “What can I do to regain control of the situation?” Think about the actions you can take to manage the situation. You can have an open discussion with that person who makes you angry. Openly communicate what about the situation or his behaviour seems unmanageable to you. Solve the problem together.
- “If I accepted that this situation is out of my control, what would I do differently?” Explore alternative options. Consider how you would change your approach to the situation if you accepted that some aspects are indeed beyond your control. You can change your workplace. You can avoid associating with people who ruin your life. Ultimately, no one can tell you what to do. Accept the situation, let go of what is not good for you and reassert your freedom.
Conclusion: how to manage anger and find inner peace
Remember, the power is always in your hands. Anger reminds you of the areas in your life where it is time to accept the situation or take back control. Focus on what it is that makes you feel powerless. Explore what strategies you can use to take control of the situation and change it. This process will make anger obsolete.
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